Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely unique. Yes, I know that “we’re all special in our own way”, but I really think I’m just a freak. I sometimes ask whoever I’m talking to at the moment, “So, what are you thinking about?”, and 9 times out of 10 the answer is, “nothing”.
“No, really, what are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
How can anyone be thinking about “nothing”? And this is not anyone in particular that I’m talking about. That seems to be the case with most people that I talk to. I don’t understand that. My mind is constantly racing, and not necessarily in paranoid OCD kinda way (well, it’s not limited to that, I should say…). If you ask me what I’m thinking about, you will likely hear about a whole slew of things, and the way I put them together as they fly off my tongue may or may not make sense to the average person. If you ask me what’s really on my mind and ask me to expound upon it, you’ll get more than stream of consciousness; it’s more of a firehose.
Forgive me if I sound arrogant for saying as much. If I sound that way, it’s only because I genuinely think I’m different in some weird way. Whether that’s a good thing or bad thing is up to each person that meets me, I suppose.
And I suppose that this next point is somehow related to that: I am an extremely emotional person. And yes, I realize that that fact is a turn-off to many people. But I don’t mean “emotional” as in crying all the time and not able to handle life. I’ve been through some stuff and I’ve handled it very well, and I challenge anyone that knows me to dispute that fact (I didn’t win custody and my house by being weak). I mean that I experience emotions, both positive and negative and everything in-between, very deeply. Life experiences, especially in the past 4 years, have definitely changed me. But fundamentally I am still a very passionate person.
I’ve been told that some people actually set aside their emotions during certain events so they can better deal with whatever it is that they’re dealing with: be it work, some crisis, etc. I personally have a very difficult time doing that. There are moments, such as when my oldest son busted his head open and then when I had to hold him down to get stitches, where I can shut them off. But on a continual basis? I’m not wired that way.
When I was younger, this was a handicap for me. My Mom had taken me to a counselor, and he told me I was hyper-sensitive (or some such adjective), and that we could work on desensitizing certain aspects of my personality. I resisted that, and shortly afterwards asked my Mom for a reprieve from the sessions, which was granted. It’s the same reason I didn’t stay on the anti-depressants, either: that stuff makes you numb to the world.
What I have learned over these past few years is how to leverage my emotions instead of letting them rule me, or worse, repressing them. If I am happy, I use that as a springboard of sorts to catapult my creativity. If I am feeling morose, I use that help me shut out the distractions around me and focus on the task at hand. Somehow my emotions make me feel alive, very aware of myself and those around me. It lets me sense the atmosphere I’m in.
The one thing that divorce taught me was how to be alone. If you’ve been there, you understand what I mean. I learned about myself, my likes, my dislikes, my desires, my fears. And I learned how to overcome those personal demons that we too often look to others to handle for us. God has indeed done a marvelous work in me, and for that I am grateful.
Which brings me back to what I was going to say at the top of this post: is there anyone else that understands this? Is there anyone else out there that feels the same way? Heck, maybe we’ve known each other for ages but we just haven’t opened up to this level with each other yet. I ache for this kind of fellowship, where I can be myself without reserve.
So I’m sending out an SOS… anyone out there?
Hey Michael ~ Its me from myspace….I appreciate the comments you posted to my “Road Less Traveled” and I really like what you have to say. I enjoy reading your blogs as well & just recently checked out your latest blog.
I must say that as I read your words – I am astonished to peel away the layers of another human being that is so real and that can be so honest revealing himself as an open book for all to read. Then it strikes me that you are a male with such passion that exuberates from the words you choose to muster. I realize that there are others (even male for that matter) that can be viewed as unique only because of your deep embedded regard for the meaning and purpose of this life. In doing so, you do take great pleasure in soaking up every thought of yours & others.
Your blog deems you to be different – as if you stand alone in this world – segregated from the rest of humanity…well I read your words & am left in awe that there might be someone with some of the same thoughts, passions, possibly convictions, somehow on a similar journey to finding something more out there or at the very least knowing we are not alone.
It amazes me of the detail that God puts in a human being….and although my mind often works on overload – I sometimes wonder if my heart is worse…God has blessed me with such a huge heart that continues to get hurt – but with his healing power keeps coming back ready to love with more intensity and with more depth than before. Although, I consider myself to be an intellectual – I think I am more driven my heart & my emotions.
The second to last paragraph in your blog was one I could have written myself. I identified with those statements so much – in fact I think I may have pretty much said the same thing myself at some point. After my divorce, I found out SO much about myself that I had never realized or that I had suppressed for so long. Everything was new, and everything was real. And for some reason coming out of the suffering & being transformed much like a butterfly during metamorphasis – I was free to live – to laugh – to forgive – to love – to just be…Me. And I found contentment in the simple things like the wind blowing against my forehead or a dogs bark or a kids laugh. I was released to move forward and live instead of just surviving.
Somehow in the midst of it all – I became extremely honest. (Not that I lied before, but in regards to personal info – I share too much with even a stranger, but I don’t feel bothered by it) Its as if I know maybe someone out there will learn from my experience – will learn from my mistakes – & Im not ashamed of those because I know who my Father is. I no longer live to please man – but Him. I fall short on even my best days, but He sees my heart & He pours His love upon me allowing me to continue onward.
So if you were to ever stop me on the street and ask me what I am thinking about…I might respond with…its 10:15pm at night and I know that someone in my life is thinking of me at this very moment & it brought a smile to their face…I am thinking of how much I love my daughter who is sleeping so peacefully from the long & cold day she had….I am thinking that I need to get up early & clean this messy house…that I have to be on time for the b-day party tomorrow, pick up my neice by noon, & call my mother back as I am having my morning coffee…I am thinking that I want to finish the book I am reading (“Soul Cravings” by McManus) before I go to bed tonight, but my eyes are getting really heavy & I am thinking of how great it feels to communicate with an absolute stranger to me, but for some reason I feel like I am connecting intellectually even if only through cyberspace…and I am thinking of the new ipod I got today, that I need to start exercising even if my back hurts, that I am thankful for the heat in my home, and praying for those who find themselves sleeping without shelter tonight…may God be with them…and also with you…take care! (Misty) – moomooblue from myspace…