firehoses and emotions

Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely unique.  Yes, I know that “we’re all special in our own way”, but I really think I’m just a freak.  I sometimes ask whoever I’m talking to at the moment, “So, what are you thinking about?”, and 9 times out of 10 the answer is, “nothing”.

“No, really, what are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

How can anyone be thinking about “nothing”?  And this is not anyone in particular that I’m talking about.  That seems to be the case with most people that I talk to.  I don’t understand that.  My mind is constantly racing, and not necessarily in paranoid OCD kinda way (well, it’s not limited to that, I should say…).  If you ask me what I’m thinking about, you will likely hear about a whole slew of things, and the way I put them together as they fly off my tongue may or may not make sense to the average person.  If you ask me what’s really on my mind and ask me to expound upon it, you’ll get more than stream of consciousness; it’s more of a firehose.

Forgive me if I sound arrogant for saying as much.  If I sound that way, it’s only because I genuinely think I’m different in some weird way.  Whether that’s a good thing or bad thing is up to each person that meets me, I suppose.

And I suppose that this next point is somehow related to that: I am an extremely emotional person.  And yes, I realize that that fact is a turn-off to many people.  But I don’t mean “emotional” as in crying all the time and not able to handle life.  I’ve been through some stuff and I’ve handled it very well, and I challenge anyone that knows me to dispute that fact (I didn’t win custody and my house by being weak).  I mean that I experience emotions, both positive and negative and everything in-between, very deeply.  Life experiences, especially in the past 4 years, have definitely changed me.  But fundamentally I am still a very passionate person.

I’ve been told that some people actually set aside their emotions during certain events so they can better deal with whatever it is that they’re dealing with: be it work, some crisis, etc.  I personally have a very difficult time doing that.  There are moments, such as when my oldest son busted his head open and then when I had to hold him down to get stitches, where I can shut them off.  But on a continual basis?  I’m not wired that way.

When I was younger, this was a handicap for me.  My Mom had taken me to a counselor, and he told me I was hyper-sensitive (or some such adjective), and that we could work on desensitizing certain aspects of my personality.  I resisted that, and shortly afterwards asked my Mom for a reprieve from the sessions, which was granted.  It’s the same reason I didn’t stay on the anti-depressants, either: that stuff makes you numb to the world.

What I have learned over these past few years is how to leverage my emotions instead of letting them rule me, or worse, repressing them.  If I am happy, I use that as a springboard of sorts to catapult my creativity.  If I am feeling morose, I use that help me shut out the distractions around me and focus on the task at hand.  Somehow my emotions make me feel alive, very aware of myself and those around me.  It lets me sense the atmosphere I’m in.

The one thing that divorce taught me was how to be alone.  If you’ve been there, you understand what I mean.  I learned about myself, my likes, my dislikes, my desires, my fears.  And I learned how to overcome those personal demons that we too often look to others to handle for us.  God has indeed done a marvelous work in me, and for that I am grateful.

Which brings me back to what I was going to say at the top of this post: is there anyone else that understands this?  Is there anyone else out there that feels the same way?  Heck, maybe we’ve known each other for ages but we just haven’t opened up to this level with each other yet.  I ache for this kind of fellowship, where I can be myself without reserve.

So I’m sending out an SOS… anyone out there?

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Giuliani for President?

I typically don’t write about politics, primarily because I have come to the sad conclusion that our government, at least on a federal level, is wholely corrupt.  Our hope is not in men (regardless of their office), but in Christ, the King of kings and Lord of lords.  But it is because of that fact that I am writing this entry.

I was raised Southern Baptist.  I currently consider myself a fundamentalist Pentecostal, and I am not ashamed of the labels “evangelical” or “fundamentalist”.  I was raised Republican, and still consider myself a Republican, at least in what I consider the “old school” sense.  I am all for voting according to my values, and am for keeping “In God We Trust” on every government building paid for with my tax dollars.  Call me “bigoted” or “spiteful” if you’d like; if you can look above the spin of modern media you would realize that this is not the case, even if you happen to disagree with my viewpoint.

The problem is not that evangelicals have too much influence in politics.  If there are so many of us, shouldn’t our voices be represented in this great republic?

The problem is that we, as evangelicals and fundamentalists, have allowed the leaven of politics to poison our message.  We have taken the bones that the politicians have thrown us, and then aligned ourselves with them in the misguided hope that they would empower our message.  The Word of God is our guide, not the word of the Republican Party, the Libertarian Party, or the Democratic Party.  The Light that we have should not be placed under a bushel.  By supporting candidates that would work against what we hold so dear, we are placing more trust in politics than God.

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