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Archive for August, 2009

I feel as though I’ve jumped off the pedestal with the noose around my neck only to find that I’m still alive but unable to breathe, and second guessing what I had wanted.  So I dangle and kick, gasping for breath, grasping for the beams around me, something – anything – to convince me to pull myself up for air.  Pain has become part of my existence.  I cannot function except in crisis, and yet there is the place I shine.  Am I cursed to live life from crisis to crisis?  Am I the one that brings these crises about, or is God molding me?  Well that much I know: He is.  But is it part of His plan, or is it just His Grace abounding more where my sin has abounded?  This fear of self-delusion haunts me; but from what am I deluding myself?  So shine I do in the pain, wishing the pain would stop.

After I awaken from these random thoughts, I wonder if they are just things that my mind created in its oxygen-deprived state as a way to protect myself.  Yet here I am dangling and unable to breathe except with the greatest of efforts.  My field of vision narrows, and I think of what I’ve lost, of who I could have been, who I could be, who I am, who I could have been with, who I will be with, who I will not be with.  The dream sets in and I’m momentarily granted respite from the angst, and I believe against reality that what I was meant to be, what I was meant to have, who I was meant to have, are all here with me.  Another breath enters me and I realize that this is not the case.  Or perhaps it is my lot; this pain.  Just a lesson for others.  But if my calling is to be an offering for others, is my life worth less than theirs?  Can I have happiness without pain?  Can those two things really be separated?

So much in me is being wasted.  I just want to breathe.

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